I’m at that point where I’ve realized that life goes on, and I’m wasting stress on things I have no control of. I have to just continue going with my head held high, because those who avoid me are a waste of my time. Nobody can influence my emotions but myself.
…but there’s always those seconds where I realize how things used to be and how they are now and it hurts..did I really not mean that much? You were able to just decide that you’re gonna act like I dont exist? Because every single time I said I loved you I meant it. And I believed you when you said it too. But if you loved me then you wouldn’t have left me when I needed you the most.
I fell for you, and instead of picking up my shattered remains you fucking walked away.
But I’m strong, I’ll get back up. Ill walk with my head held high because as much as it hurt, its done. I dont have to live with fear of you doing it, because you already did. I dont have to hear the disappointment in your voice when I tell you something I’ve done.
I dont know whether to wait or move on. Because once I move on, I’m never going back. But do I really want to?
I dont know what to think.
I really fucking hate how I’ve always kept things to myself and just gone along with things. I feel like I’m going to explode from all of these bottled up thoughts and feelings and anger and I dont know how to let any of it out without breaking something or hurting someone. I’m just really fucking mad.
Things are actually starting to turn up so I’m not gonna kill myself today. I really didnt think that things would get better but they have a little bit and hopefully things will just continue to get better and I won’t think about this shit anymore
Had a dream last night where we were laying next to each other reading a book, and I kept slowly moving my hand towards his and held his hand and then he held it back. I started crying because he was holding my hand and there was hope..I woke up actually crying. I went back to sleep and then continued dreaming, we were in a library and he was reading these documents and I was leaning on his shoulder behind him reading them too and all of a sudden the power went out. This low scary started speaking nonsense and I shook Dillon but he wouldn’t move. His eyes were wide open and I turned him around and he dropped to the floor. I started panicking and the voice kept yelling at me so I started running and trying to scream for help but nothing came out. Woke up in a sweat.
Sitting here petting my dog and thinking about how if I were to kill myself then I’d never see her again..and I don’t know if I could do that
Well since nobody pays attention to this blog I may as well say it: if things don’t get better by November 11, I’m going to kill myself. I’ve already started on the note.